


choking

by noahliza



Series: tamagotchi [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Anxiety, Insecurity, Mark of Mastery, and the training that goes with it, physical effects of stress, post kh3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 10:47:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18602962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noahliza/pseuds/noahliza
Summary: [on words]Sora finally has enough free time to visit the Mysterious Tower! He definitely wasn't avoiding it.





	choking

**Author's Note:**

> hey what's up i'm back with more angst
> 
> big thank u to kat and paion again for idea tossing + beta reading!

After weeks of traveling—procrastinating, Sora wouldn’t admit—he arrived at Yen Sid’s tower. He parked the gummi ship and dashed to the training area, assuming that was where his friends would be. Excitement bubbled up through his body, filling his insides and relaxing tension he didn’t realize he’d been carrying on his shoulders.

 

Sora rushed to the training area and slipped inside. Kairi and Lea were in the middle of sparring, with Riku observing them off to the side. They’d improved… a lot.

 

“Sora?” Riku noticed him first.

 

“Hey!” Sora grinned and rested his hands against the back of his head. “Thought I’d stop by.”

 

“Sora! Finally!” Kairi and Lea stopped their fight, thrown off track by Sora’s entrance. “ _How_ long ago was it when you said you’d visit _soon_?” she teased.

 

“Sorry, sorry.” Sora’s grin turned sheepish. “Lotta worlds to visit.”

 

“Yeah? Everything going well?” Kairi asked. She wiped the back of her hand against her sweaty forehead to get her bangs out of her eyes.

 

Sora nodded. “Yeah, everything’s good right now. It’s kinda weird, after so long.”

 

“Well, hey!” Lea cut in. “Maybe it’s weird, but a good weird is better than a bad weird, right?”

 

“Yeah.” Sora’s grin was back. “It’s definitely nice to be able to relax.”

 

“Easy for you to say,” Lea groaned and slouched, overdramatic.

 

“Yeah, we’re still working hard!” Kairi pumped her fist, excited. “Are you going to start training with us, since you’re here?”

 

“Um,” Sora paused. “Maybe?” He shrugged noncommittally.

 

“Either way, it’s good to have you back.” Riku smiled.

 

—

 

Sora yawned and stretched, then re-situated himself under his blanket. It felt insanely nice to sleep in a real bed. It would have been easy to drift back to sleep, but Sora’s stomach growled and decided that it was time for breakfast. He begrudgingly got out of bed, changed out of his pajamas, and wandered to the dining room.

“G’morning,” Sora mumbled and sat down, slumped over in his chair. Riku, Kairi, and Lea were midway through their own breakfasts.

 

“Good morning to you, too,” Kairi giggled. “You look like you’re still asleep.”

 

“I am…” Sora nodded. “Sleeping in a bed was nice…”

 

“You’ve been sleeping in your gummi ship this whole time?” Lea let out a small laugh. “That’s hardcore.”

 

“You can go back to sleep if you need to,” Riku offered. “You don’t _have_ to join us or anything.”

 

Sora felt a twinge of upset, but he wasn’t sure why.

 

“Nah, I’ll be fine.” He flashed everyone a smile. “I just need to wake myself up.”

 

Riku nodded. The dining room was briefly filled with chatter, until it was time to go and train.

 

The day went by well enough, with Sora taking turns sparring with the other three. Midway through a round against Kairi, Sora realized he was having more difficulty than he should. Kairi wound up into a heavy swing, and nearly connected with Sora’s ribcage. He’d barely been able to dodge in time. Sora continued to fight on autopilot while he wracked his brain to figure out what was wrong. He realized his stomach was churning, empty. Another hit caught him completely off guard, and he fell to the floor.

 

“Jeez, Kairi, where’d you learn to hit so hard?” Sora whined.

 

“Sorry!” Kairi extended her hand, a silent offer to help Sora back up. “I didn’t think I put so much force into that one!”

 

Sora accepted Kairi’s help and got back on his feet. “I guess that’s what I get for spacing out mid-fight,” he laughed.

 

Sora continued with the others after they’d finished sparring. He tried to help out a bit during the teaching parts of the day, whenever he was able. He did his best, but his mind was as sluggish as his reactions had been earlier. Kairi and Lea had improved quickly since Sora had seen them last. He figured they must have a natural talent for it. Riku was Riku, amazing at everything he did. No surprise there.

 

Midafternoon, Master Yen Sid called Sora into his office.

 

Sora got there as quickly as he could, not wanting to keep Yen Sid waiting. He stood uncomfortably in front of Yen Sid’s desk, rocking on the balls of his feet. Yen Sid looked at Sora for what felt like forever.

 

“Welcome back, Sora,” Yen Sid started. He used same stern tone as he always did. It didn’t feel like a real welcome; it felt more like a _go away_. “I trust that your travels have gone well.”

 

“Um, yeah.” Sora nodded. “Everything’s a lot calmer nowadays.”

 

“That is good to hear.” Yen Sid nodded slightly, then dropped the small talk. “I have called you here to ask you a few questions.”

 

“Oh, sure!” Sora nodded again, trying to be polite. The conversation was dragging already.

 

“Are you planning to retake the Mark of Mastery, since you are here?”

 

Sora froze for a moment.

 

“I’m not… really sure?” Sora admitted. He glanced away.

 

“I see. Will you be joining the others with regular training?” Sora felt like Yen Sid was trying to delve into his mind with his eyes.

 

Sora struggled to pull _any_ thoughts together into something that at least resembled an answer that would appease Yen Sid. “Uh—”

 

“No need.” Yen Sid put his hand up, and Sora dropped the sentence he was putting together. “I see that you have much to think over. I hoped your time away would have given you the drive necessary, but I see it did not.”

 

“I’ll think about it.” Sora hoped that was the right answer.

 

“See to it that you do.”

 

Sora was dismissed. He wandered aimlessly through the halls and stairwells for a bit, replaying the conversation over in his head. Each time, Yen Sid’s voice became more and more stern, until it twisted into something else.

 

_He’s right though, I don’t have the drive._

 

Unwillingly, Sora remembered his last attempt. How _could_ he have the drive to try again, when last time had gone so badly? Sure, Xehanort wasn’t around any more, but who’s to say that something equally disastrous wouldn’t happen this time?

 

Sora shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts, but only succeeded in making himself a bit dizzy. He briefly stumbled, but caught his balance quickly. An errant thought wormed its way into Sora’s head, wondering what it would be like to fall down this seemingly endless staircase.

 

Then, Sora realized that he wasn’t sure how long he’d been in this stairwell. He wasn’t sure where he was at all, aside from a vague, “ _I dunno, inside the Mysterious Tower?_ ”

 

After he took a moment to think his options over, Sora continued his trek up the staircase.

 

Sora’s mind came back to reality, and he realized he had no idea how long he’d been going. His legs felt like jelly, and his knees ached. He exited the stairwell and wandered the hall, curious about how high in the tower he was. He chose a door at random, and entered the room to see if it had any sort of balcony.

 

It didn’t, but it had a decently large window.

 

Sora crossed the room and threw open the window. Fresh air and a cool breeze greeted him, and he felt lighter. A mental fog he hadn’t realized was there had slightly lifted. It was time to go back downstairs.

 

Sora left the room and headed down the stairs. He arrived at the main floor quickly, confused. He was _sure_ he went up _way_ more stairs than he’d come down.

 

“Hey, there you are,” Kairi called out. “We’ve been wondering where you disappeared off to!”

 

“Oh, I was doing a little exploring…” Sora let out a small laugh, sheepish.

 

“Find anything cool?”

 

“Nah, just a lot of stairs.”

 

“Boring!” Kairi dramatically made a thumbs down gesture. “Anyway, you’re late for dinner!”

 

“Oh, no,” Sora groaned. “I guess I’ll go grab some leftovers.”

 

“I was surprised, it’s not like you to miss a meal!”

 

“Yeah, I just… _really_ lost track of time,” Sora admitted.

 

“You know your gummiphone has a clock, right?” Kairi eyed Sora, ready to tease him for his lack of tech knowledge.

 

“Well, yeah, but I don’t have it on me.” Sora shrugged.

 

Kairi hummed. “Gotcha. Well, try keeping it with you more often. It’s helpful, even when you don’t have worlds to save or emblems to find.”

 

“I know that!” Sora stuck his tongue out at Kairi, to which she responded with the same.

 

“Anyway, I’ve got some research I wanna do, so I’ll see you later!” Kairi waved and headed off, probably to the library.

 

As Sora meandered his way to the kitchen, his mental fog settled back in. He poked around for something to eat, but nothing seemed appetizing. He just wasn’t hungry. He tried again, looking through the pantry, the fridge, the cupboards. Nothing. A bit more desperate, he dug through the spice cabinet, the baking supplies. Nothing. Finally, he decided to slice some bread and took it up to his room. He should at least try to eat _something._

 

Once Sora was back in the privacy of his room, he sank to the floor, slumped against the wall. Tired. He tore a chunk of bread from his slice and popped it in his mouth.

 

It felt like a battle against his body to make himself eat it. That one tiny piece. Sora didn’t try again; instead he opted to loosely hold onto the bread, and wished he could absorb it through his fingertips.

 

_Like a snail or something. I think?_

 

Sora’s mind wandered for a bit as he tried to remember how snails ate. His stomach churned, and he abandoned that train of thought as he remembered why he lost his appetite in the first place:

 

The Mark of Mastery.

 

Training.

 

The fog in Sora’s mind was blown away by a whirlwind of thoughts. Fears.

 

_There’s no point in retaking the test_

_I won’t pass it anyways_

_I’m not good enough of a keyblade wielder to even bother_

_why would Yen Sid even ask me if I want to take it again—does he just want to dangle the possibility in front of me and take it away?_

_No._

_No, he wouldn’t do that._

_Would he?_

_Doesn’t matter even if I get the chance I can’t do it_

_there’s no way I could do it I don’t wanna_

 

_I’m weak_

 

 

_I’m too weak_

 

_I’m SCARED_

 

_I can’t_

 

_don’t want the power of waking any more_

 

_I don’t wanna disappear again._

 

Sora wasn’t sure when he’d started crying, or when he’d ripped his bread into tiny pieces. He forced himself to calm down, got up, threw the bread away, and collapsed into bed.

 

—

 

Sora trudged into the dining room the next morning, late to breakfast. He knew that Riku and Kairi would be able to tell that he’d barely slept, but he still hoped that they wouldn’t.

 

“G’morning, Sora,” Kairi greeted. She scooted a plate of various breakfast foods towards Sora.

 

“Mornin’. Thanks, Kairi.” Sora accepted the plate and grabbed a fork.

 

“So, what did Yen Sid want from you yesterday?” Riku asked. “I didn’t see you after your chat.”

 

_“Your chat,”_ Sora mentally repeated. Riku had phrased it so casually, as if it hadn’t just been Yen Sid quietly interrogating Sora about his entire life plan.

 

“Oh, he was asking if I was gonna stay here for a while to train with you guys. Retake the Mark of Mastery. That sort of thing,” Sora answered blithely. He wanted to leave.

 

“Are you going to?” Kairi asked. “Retake the Mark of Mastery, I mean.”

 

Sora shrugged.

 

_“I’m too weak, I won’t pass, I don’t want to pass.”_ His mind swirled. He wanted to leave. He wanted a hug. He wanted to cry. He wanted help.

 

“Not sure?” Riku asked, his tone a bit gentler than normal.

 

_“Please help, I’m scared—I’m scared of passing, I’m scared of not passing, please.”_

 

Sora pushed his thoughts back and flashed a grin. “I mean, I’ve already come this far without being a master, so it’s just kinda whatever to me, I guess.”

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to check me out on twitter @ noa_ rat, i ramble and rt tons of kh fanart, lol
> 
> series + story title from sea in the sky


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